Love me back
by lunoire22
Summary: Yep, inspired by Tokio Hotel's new song "Love who loves you back". Angela, a long-time TH fan, has finally the chance to meet them personally. However, her encounter with the "new" TH, especially their singer Bill Kaulitz, will disturb her more than ever. I'm French and apologize for any mistake ;) Bill/OC, rated M. Enjoy!
1. People change

People change. The world evolves all the time, with or without you. Sometimes you accept it, sometimes you deny it. However, you always end up dealing with it one way or another. Of course, it says a lot about people or things you thought you knew. But most of all, what does it say about you?

Hi, I'm Angela. I'm eighteen years old. I'm a fan of Tokio Hotel and I don't like their new song "Love who loves you back." Sorry, you will soon learn that I'm not very good at lying.

When I was younger –around thirteen or fourteen- I had only two supports in my life: my best friend Sarah and Tokio Hotel. They helped me go through a lot of shit, especially since I had quite a poor social life and hated everything about my body, literally from head to toe. And to be honest, I still do sometimes, even if I won't tell anyone.

But for the moment, it couldn't matter less because I was about to have the chance of my life. Since my brother was the assistant of the moviemaker for Tokio Hotel's next video, I was going to meet them personally. And since I asked him –or rather begged- so kindly, so was Sarah. We had our own personal meet and greet with our favorite band for four years. How cool was that? Thinking about it, Sarah and I couldn't help giggling and singing every song we knew in the car.

"Ok girls, one more chorus and I swear I'm gonna pull over and leave you on the side of the road." my brother declared and sighed.

"Oh come on, Paul." I replied. "We're just happy for you to be on such a big project!"

"Yeah, right." Paul retorted with a smirk. "You've been happy for me for two hours now. My ears beg you to stop."

"Buzzkill." I called him with a pouty face.

"Anyway, just don't be too happy when you see them, okay? I work for them now so I don't want to look like the guy who brought groupies on the set."

"We promise!" Sarah and I replied at the same time.

"By the way, did you listen to their new songs?" I asked Sarah.

"Of course, I did. I've been listening to them non-stop for the last two days."

"So you like them, then?"

Sarah laughed.

"I don't really know. It's different, that's for sure! But yeah, I guess I like them."

"Seriously?"

"Sure. And judging by your expression, you don't." she remarked.

I hesitated.

"No, it's okay, I guess." I mumbled.

"You're always bad at lying, Angela." She said and smiled.

She knew she could get anything from me when she used my name like that. I sighed.

"You're right. I don't like it. I fucking hate it, even."

"Really? That much?"

"Yeah. I mean, what were they thinking? What's with the electro shit and the sexual innuendos in every lyric? It's disgusting! That's not the Tokio Hotel I grew up with! After missing them for so long, I just felt fucking confused and hurt and betrayed- It's like Britney Spears' "I'm a slave 4 u". I cannot believe Tokio Hotel chose the same path! Tokio Hotel for crying out loud! I just feel like my childhood was raped! It's-"

"What did I say about my eardrums?" Paul shouted at me, making me realize that I had been screaming too.

Sarah was looking at me, shocked and silent.

"Wow, so they _did _disappoint you." she concluded and smirked. "I guess they'd better not ask you how you feel about their new album, then."

"No, they'd better not." I agreed and we both laughed.

Yeah, I was definitely bad at being subtle. But well, Tokio Hotel was still Tokio Hotel. And even if I wasn't Sarah, who could accept and forgive anything from her favorite band, I was still glad and excited as ever to meet them face to face.

Who would've thought that it would turn to such a disaster, then?


	2. Meet and Greet

"So where are they? Where are they?" I asked looking in all directions as Paul was parking the car.

"They'll come soon. And remember, no screaming."

"We got it. It's annoying that you still consider us as groupies, you know. We can behave!"

"Oh my God, they're here!"

When two giant cars arrived in the parking lot -one black, one white- Sarah shrieked and I followed, which made Paul grunt in annoyance. As I saw them come out of their car and come slowly towards us, my heart kept pounding like crazy. What was I going to tell them? What should I do? Even when they greeted my brother, I could still barely believe that they were here, so close to us.

"Guys, this is my little sister, Angela, and her friend Sarah. As you can imagine, they absolutely hate your band and I brought them here for punishment."

The four boys chuckled. Unlike a few minutes ago, Sarah acted polite just shook hands with them. However, she still kept a big grin on her face.

"It's great to see you're back! I have all your albums." she replied proudly.

"Well, I guess you can give them back to us, then." Tom exclaimed and everybody laughed.

"Never! They are mine!" Sarah exclaimed and pretended to be a little girl.

I greeted the four of them too but didn't say a word. It was probably awkward but I couldn't help: it felt like my brain had melted and my tongue had fallen off. Not a single word could come out of my mouth. What was wrong with me? I had to shake it off! But in front of them, it's like I was 12 again. I felt small, so small.

However, they weren't little boys anymore. They had definitely changed in five years: style, hair…even their voices were a little deeper now. Georg's famous long hair was now short. Gustav wore glasses instead of lenses and had tattoos on his legs –which was surprising since he was always considered the sweetest teddy-bear-like guy of the band. As for the twins, they were the ones who had changed the most in my opinion. Tom didn't wear his huge caps and large sweaters anymore and his hair was now black instead of blond. His style was closer to Bill's. And as for Bill himself, even though I saw pictures of him before we met I definitely didn't recognize him at all. The androgynous black-haired boy who used to wear black make-up and gothic clothes was now a blond short-haired bearded young man with even more tattoos and piercings than before, no make-up at all and a more pop-electro –I guess- style of clothing. He also looked less pale and more muscular, so his romantic fragile guardian-angel aura was definitely a thing of the past.

They were men now, four grown men. We had all grown up. Unfortunately, it was useless to deny it.

"Aw, and you have a dog, too!" Sarah said and looked at the bulldog puppy that kept jumping around her. "He's so cute! What's his name?"

"That's Pumba." Bill answered, smiling, and took him in his arms so Sarah could pet him.

"He's adorable." she said when the puppy started licking her hand. "Angela, your mother has a dog too, right? Angela?"

"What? I'm sorry, yes." I answered, too dazed to talk properly. "My mother has a dog, too. She used to have a cat and now she has a dog."

"That's nice! What breed is it?" Bill asked me.

His stare paralyzed me instantly.

"It's a, it-it's a, a-"

"-a pinscher, I think." Sarah completed for me. "You know, it's smaller than a bulldog and has pointy ears?"

"I see." Bill replied and nodded. "It must be very cute, then!"

"It is!" Sarah said and smiled at me.

In her eyes, I could almost read the sentence. "What are you doing? Snap out of it!"

"So, guys," my brother declared and looked at them. "I was thinking, while we were at it, maybe we could take a last look at the set so I could show you what the boss had in mind for the footage."

"Ok." the guys all answered at the same time.

"I can't wait for it to start. I think it's gonna be awesome!" Tom said, glancing excitedly at the building.

"Tell me about it." Georg replied and smirked. "My girlfriend said: _"As long as I don't see another blue monster jerking off ping-pong balls again in one of your videos, you can play around all the hot models you want."_"

Of course, this was all in German so we did not understand why the twins suddenly giggled at what Georg said and just followed the group towards the empty building. As we walked behind the guys, I quickly whispered to Sarah:

"What footage are they talking about?"

"You told me it was the one for their next video _"Love who loves you back"_, remember?Cat ate your tongue?" she asked and discreetly pointed at Bill. "They're not here to eat you, you know. They're humans like us."

"I know, but," I replied and paused, embarrassed. "I just don't know what to say to them!"

"Well, talk, ask questions, I don't know! It's supposed to be your meet and greet, not mine."

"I know, I know." I repeated and sighed.

I hated that my tall, gorgeous, funny, charismatic best friend was making efforts to make her small, chubby, shy, quiet best friend less invisible. It just felt ridiculous and made me feel all the more guilty.

We entered the building, which looked like a normal hotel, until Paul led us all downstairs and opened big doors to what appeared to be an abandoned parking-lot, cold and empty.

"That doesn't really look like a romantic place for a love song." I told myself out-loud and listened to the echoes of my voice on the walls.

When I heard the others snicker, I realized they had heard me and I regretted not to have said something cleverer than a Captain Obvious quote.

"Well, Pumba loves it already." Bill noticed as the puppy started running playfully between the concrete pillars.

"It's ice-cold in there!" Gustav said, rubbing his bare arms to reheat them.

"Yeah, but trust me," my brother replied. "When we start shooting with everyone and all the machines everywhere, it's gonna be much, much hotter."

"_"Much, much hotter"_" Tom repeated with a twinkle in his eye. "It's gonna be really hot, that's for sure." he went on and looked at his brother who grinned at him.

"Ok girl, that's it." Sarah suddenly told me and sighed. "I said it was supposed to be _your_ meet and greet, and I'll definitely make it so. You just can't stay mute like that forever. Hey, guys!" she called out-loud cheerfully, which made me immediately want to shush her. "I heard you were about to release your next album. Congratulations!"

The others turned at her. Oh no, Sarah. You did not. Please let's go back in time and tell me you did not.

"Thank you. Yes, we are going to release it soon." Tom replied. "Did you hear some of our new songs yet?"

"Well…" Sarah started, looking at me. "We both did, indeed. But she and I don't agree on what to think about them."

As he tried to join the conversation, Bill was by Tom's side now, both twins staring attentively at us.

"As for me, I really like them, of course." Sarah continued.

"Good for you. It means you definitely have good taste in music." Tom said and smiled at her.

"Well, since Paul said earlier that we hated you, maybe it means you're not such great artists." Sarah cheekily replied.

"You're a bad girl, Sarah." Tom said and stared at her with a wicked smile.

"I guess I am." she replied with a smile and purposely ignored his flirtatious tone.

"What about you?" Bill asked and looked at me. "Angela, right?"

I stood there, frozen. Bill's voice brought Sarah back to reality and she put her hand on my shoulder.

"I'd better let her say what she thinks herself. Just lie a little and it'll be alright." she said directly at me in a whisper. "In the meantime I'll go play with Pumba!" she said out loud and looked at the puppy that wagged his tail at her.

She then walked away from the three of us with the dog, letting an awkward silence slowly grow between us.

Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why wasn't I her? Why wasn't she me instead? Why?

"So? What do you think? Was it that bad?" Tom asked me and smiled.

"It's okay if you didn't like all of the songs, you know." Bill completed. "We're cool. We didn't expect everybody to love it right away."

"It's different, that's for sure." I replied hesitantly.

They both smiled. They were probably glad to know that I wasn't mute after all.

"You're right. It's different, just like we wanted it to be." Bill continued, now more at ease. "We've been away for so long. We thought we needed the album to reflect who we really were now. So it was going to be more electro with more mature lyrics and-"

"Excuse me, what did you say?" I cut him off and asked as politely as possible.

"What did I say about what?" Bill asked.

"About the lyrics."

"I said we had more mature lyrics. Is there something wrong with that?" he raised an eyebrow and asked.

"Well, I guess it depends on how you define the term _mature_. Maybe if we use it your way, then your songs are _mature_, indeed." I replied and mentally begged them not to ask me to continue.

"But if we use it your way?" Tom asked, looking closer at my face as I tried not to twitch.

"Well, if we use it my way, then maybe I wouldn't use it at all." I explained patiently. "I mean, talking about _guns_ and a _beautiful, dirty bitch_ and _snakes in bed_ and asking the girl to _turn you on, turn you_ on and telling her she can _help herself_ when _feeling lonely_… There's a difference between being _mature_ and _sexual._ Your lyrics are explicitly sexual. And I don't know why, it doesn't feel right. To me, you never sounded like a band who'd sing about these things. You used to be more, I don't know, innocent."

There. I had succeeded in staying calm and not shout at all. So maybe there was a way we could change the subject and make Sarah come back. Of course, my favorite twin, Bill, would have none of it. Just like me, he had his serious and stubborn face on, now.

"That's true. Maybe we used to be more _innocent_, like you said. But that was back then; we're not like that anymore. We've experienced things, we met other people. We even live in a whole other country now."

"And as for the sexual part, I think Georg and I brought way more material than you, guys." Tom joked, glancing at his brother and Gustav who pretended look away and not hear him even though everybody else did.

"Anyway," Bill continued. "We've experienced new stuff and it changed us. So maybe it's also a question of character. Maybe you're ill-at-ease with the lyrics just because you still feel _innocent_ inside. I mean, how old are you, 14? You probably didn't have enough life experiences yet, so it-"

"I'm not 14, I'm 18." I replied sharply. "And if you're trying to mention my sex life, there's nothing wrong with it. I'm very satisfied with my sexuality, thank you very much. I don't have any problem with sex. I'm just saying that talking about sex and weapons does not make you an adult. It only makes you look more childish, on the contrary. Look at Miley Cyrus, look at Chris Brown, do they look and sound like fucking adults to you? No! They don't! They just make me want to punch them in the face because they make sex sound so disgusting! Having sex does not make you an adult! Just like being an adult is not only about having sex and get boozed! I don't know what being an adult is, but I'm sure it's not that bullshit! And the fact that you, fucking morons, have made these stupid choices just to sound _mature_ really pisses me the off because I thought you would know better!"

I did it. I screamed. Again. As I expected, time had stopped in the parking lot and everyone had turned towards us. Even Pumba stopped right in his track and was looking at us with curiosity. As another uncomfortable silence grew between us, the twins were now staring at me like I had come from Mars and couldn't wait for me to go back there as soon as possible.

"About earlier," Bill said and cleared his throat awkwardly. "I didn't mean, I'm sorry if you ever thought we were talking about your -sex life. I was just saying that sometimes, in order to write about more _shocking_ subjects and joke about it, it often requires to be a little mature. So we just hoped our fans would have some sense of humor. I didn't mean to mean to you."

"What is wrong with me?" I thought. "Of course he didn't mean to be mean! Of course I have a sense of humor! Why do I always have to take everything so seriously?"

"Yeah." I answered and tried to show composure again. "Well, not that I'm a super-feminist or anything- but talking about _snakes in bed_ isn't funny. That didn't make me laugh. But I get it."

"And why do I go on like that?" I kept thinking. "This is going too far. I have to apologize. Come on, apologize! Apologize now!"

"I-I-I," I started, now too ashamed to form a sentence properly again. "Yeah, I get it."

And here was the big failure. At this moment, I just wished the ground would open under my feet and swallow me in its darkness so people would never hear about me again.

After the awkward goodbyes with the boys and we drove away, the three of us, Paul, Sarah and I, remained silent in the car for a good half an hour. When I caught Sarah's gaze in the mirror, she looked at me with a sorry face.

"Wow, that's one big Epic fail face." she said, staring at mine.

However, I was still mad at her for starting it all.

"Thank you." I grunted "Thank you so much for breaking the ice. You just couldn't help, could you?"

"What? You're blaming _me_ for that?" she asked, shocked.

"You knew this was the only subject to avoid. Yet, you mentioned it anyway. Next time I need to start World War III with someone, I'll call you, be sure of that."

"Hey, you know what? Get lost." she retorted, obviously hurt. "You're the one who said those things, not me."

"I know. I know." I said, now on the verge of tears. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be lashing out on you like that. I'm the only one to take the blame, once again." I said and took her hand in mine, which she squeezed affectionately.

"It's okay. I forgive you, once again."

"I can't believe I called them _fucking morons_ too! Can you imagine that? Me, calling Bill a moron!"

"Yeah, well, at least you can tell yourself you don't need to worry about it. After all, you won't get to see them again after that."

"What? How is that supposed to comfort me?" I asked, now panicking."That's horrible! It's the only chance I ever got to meet them and that's the one and only memory they'll keep of me! God, I hate my life!"

"Oh come on, girls, will you sing a song already?" my brother groaned.

"Yeah, come on, Angela. Let's sing something happy!" Sarah said and laughed.

"I don't wanna sing! I wanna die!" I moaned, pretending to cry.

And this is how my brother made us sing Tokio Hotel songs again on the way back home. As we tried to ignore the bittersweet feeling, we kept singing as happily as possible, even though I felt like the biggest idiot on the planet, which I definitely was.


	3. On the set

The advantage of being 18 and being roommates with your brother is definitely freedom. You don't get nagged by your parents anymore but you're still with a part of your family. Plus since he is out all the time for work, you can study in peace. I was especially glad to be free to wake up at any time in the morning on vacations. Yet, when the daylight came into my room that day, I shut my eyes tight and grunted when I heard Paul's clear voice.

"Bye, Angela. I'm going!"

"Okay." I mumbled, still half-asleep. "Wait. Where are you going so early?"

"I'm going to work. The shooting is for today. That's what I said last time when we met the boys, remember?"

Of course, I couldn't remember it was today since I hadn't been listening to him at all the other day. I had been too busy making a fool of myself in front of my favorite band, so it had definitely slipped my mind. As he left the room, I quickly got up and dressed.

"I'll probably be late for dinner tonight, so don't wait up for me. Okay?"

"Okay. Um, just to be sure, you're filming the new video for the song _Love who loves you back, _right?"

"That's right."

"So the boys will be there, then?"

When I asked, Paul looked at me and paused, probably wondering if I was kidding.

"Well, duh. It's_ their_ video, dummy!"

"Big brother-" I started.

He stared at me as I was now joining my hands in prayer, facing him with big, cute eyes and a little smile.

"Oh, no. No way. There's no way I'm taking you with me. We already talked about it. You promised you wouldn't ask me that!"

"Please, please, please, Paul!" I begged and followed him at the entrance. "Just one more day! I'll be good, I swear!"

"You also swore you would be good, last time. Need I remind you what happened? I'm going. Alone."

"Wait! This is important!" I said as he went out of the apartment. "I need to tell them that I'm sorry for what I said last time!"

"Then I'll tell them, don't worry."

"Saying that won't make me feel better, you know!" I shouted.

As he was about to get in his car, Paul turned and glared at me, but I didn't look away.

"Look, they mean the world to me, you know that. The least I can do is show them that their biggest fan is not just a stupid little brat. They deserve better fans than that."

Paul kept glaring at me, now hesitating, then looked at the time on his phone, glared at me again and finally sighed.

"Alright." he said and pointed at the car. "Get in. But I'm telling you," he said as I got in and closed the door, "if I hear your voice get any louder than a whisper on the set, we'll immediately head back home and I'll burn all your Tokio Hotel posters. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir." I said in a whisper and smiled.

"Good. Now let's go or I'll be late on my first day."

With no surprise, when we arrived, the parking lot was much more crowded than last time. It was now full of dozens of trucks with people unloading them and handling heavy machinery. When we then arrived on the set, technicians and cameramen were running everywhere, giving orders calling each other's name. Some of them even pushed us to the side as we were trying to avoid stepping on miles and miles of cable on the floor. The place felt warmer than before but it was also much noisier. Finally, we saw the director who was busy talking to three different people at the same time and already sweating a lot. The cold underground parking lot had been transformed into a giant oven, its huge surface divided into several little sets with cameras and lightning systems installed everywhere, all turned on at full power.

I didn't mind it much though. Most of all, I was intrigued by the presence of all the extras here and there, both male and female models, all of them dressed in very short, dark and glittery outfits. I assumed they were dancers, which was disturbing: I could imagine them in anyone's music video except Tokio Hotel's. I went to ask Paul about it when his boss saw us.

"Hey Paul!" he barely stopped his speech to greet my brother. "I thought you'd never show up. Everyone's ready. The guys will be there in a minute, and I already feel dehydrated. Who is she?" he asked and pointed at me.

"That's Angela, my little sister. She said she wanted to be there and lend a hand in case I needed her." Paul lied.

However, whether his boss believed him or just didn't care because he was so busy with all the rest, he didn't mind.

"So you're the assistant's assistant then?" the director told me and put his huge, heavy hand on my shoulder. "Fine, just find a spot in a corner and don't get in the way too much, okay, sweetheart?"

"Okay."

He then left with all the people he was talking to.

"Thanks." I told him when we were alone. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"What's with all the models?" I said and glanced at a few of them, smoking and laughing in a corner of the room. "Are they here to dance?"

"Depends on how you define _dance_." Paul replied and smirked.

"What do you mean?" I asked naively.

"Oh wow, you didn't listen to me at all last time, did you?" he asked and sighed, embarrassed. "That's the other reason why I didn't want to bring you here. Today's session is not really kid-friendly, if you know what I mean."

I stared at him with a questioning look and Paul continued:

"The boss wants a really particular atmosphere for the song, with people making love everywhere and stuff."

"Oh." I replied. "But I thought it was a love song."

"It is. It's just not _your_ type of love song."

When I looked at the sexy extras again and tried to mentally associate to with my favorite band, my mind refused to process it, like a broken computer.

"I see." I answered bitterly. "It's _their_ new type of love song. They've changed much more than I thought."

"Will you be okay with that?" Paul tauntingly asked.

"Why, of course, I will!" I replied, upset. "What do you think I am? A prude or something? I'm 18. I've seen this kind of stuff many times before. In fact, there's nothing new about it at all, so it definitely won't shock me!"

"Good for you. By the way, they arrived." Paul said and pointed at them.

I instantly turned my head. Here they were indeed, the four of them, all wearing huge sunglasses, smiling as they greeted everybody. However, I wasn't so excited to them anymore. I still couldn't believe that, once again, they were going to symbolically tear their old image in pieces. Except that now, they were going to do this right under my nose and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Now you can go apologize and tell them you were wrong, right?" my brother whispered.

"Sure." I answered. "Sure, I can. I'm a big girl, I definitely can. Let's go."

But the closer they were to us, the less comfortable I felt. Although I was hidden by the crowd between us, my legs were shaking and not moving at all. Actually, I was even more nervous than before since I was all alone. Where was Sarah when I needed her? Fortunately, the director went to welcome them before they could see me. I sighed, relieved. Although I could rationally explain why I despised them now, they still had an incredible power on me, like booze on an alcoholic.

"Maybe I'll talk to them later." I whispered to Paul.

Girls, a piece of advice: never postpone a decision; it only makes it harder and harder to keep. That's a lesson I learned very well that day.


	4. Reality is crual

Actually, even if I had tried harder to talk to them, they were still physically unreachable. People kept surrounding them all the time: the director, the make-up artist…They were also followed by their own cameraman who was constantly filming them, probably for their Youtube channel. The least I could do was wait for them to finish their first session of shooting. Until then, I would just hide, watch them from afar and, like Paul's boss said, try not to be in the way.

"Who are you?" a woman suddenly asked me and grabbed me by the wrist. "You're not supposed to be there. Go help the guys in the back; they need help to move one of the machines. Come on, move!"

"Wait, I'm not-!" I tried to object as she pushed me towards the boys. "I'm not one of the- Stop it, damn it, I don't work here! I'm Paul's sister! The assistant of the director!"

Of course, because I was now panicking and talking loud, the boys turned their heads and our eyes met. I felt so embarrassed I pretended not to have seen them and immediately walked away. However, I couldn't help hiding behind one of the large concrete pillars to hear their conversation.

"Who was that girl?" I heard Bill ask in English to the woman. "I swear I've seen her before."

"She said she was Paul's sister." Gustav answered. "I don't remember her name."

"Yes, she was with her friend Sarah." Georg replied to him. "We met them a week ago with Paul. I know her friend was way nicer than her."

"He's right, I remember now!" Tom exclaimed and turned to Bill. "Don't you remember? She was this odd girl -Angelica or something like that- who looked like she was 14 and yelled at you because she thought you were talking about her sex life."

"Oh, Angelica!" Bill suddenly remembered and smiled. "Yeah, god was she odd. She was pretty mean to us." he repeated slowly with a strong German accent to the camera.

The "mean", "odd girl"; when I heard the twins say that, I felt a lump in my throat.

"What is she doing here anyway?" Tom asked.

"I don't know." Bill replied. "But you know what? It doesn't matter. We've got a lot of scenes to shoot today so let's just work and forget about her, okay?"

The others agreed. As I heard someone order us to clear the set, I walked past them again and, this time, gave them a direct, cold stare. Then, I sat next to my brother as they were about to shoot the first scenes.

"Did you apologize?" Paul asked.

"No." I answered sharply. "I wanna go home."

"You know we can't yet." I heard my brother say before the others shushed him.

The first scene to shoot was a bunch of hot girls in tight shorts making out. Then, they did the same, with Bill walking beside them and singing in playback. Stuck on my chair in the dark, I wasn't allowed to move or make a sound. It was enraging to know that I was the one responsible for putting myself in this situation. At first, I was a little fascinated and observed the scene with curiosity. But after multiple takes, it got quite boring and I was getting a headache from the director screaming directives next to me.

"Get closer!" "Suck on that lip!" "Good, good!" "Not so much tongue!"

I assume the models were around the same age as me. Yet they were all much more beautiful. They were all slim and tall with long legs, silky porcelain skin and well-proportioned silhouettes, like they had all been carved in ivory. I can't say I wasn't jealous. The more I compared myself to them, the more I felt ill-at-ease. It was understandable why the woman thought I was a staff member rather than one of them. After the fifth take, I finally got up from my chair and left the room. When I went to the bathrooms to get some water, I looked at myself in the mirror above the sink. I hated that face. It was sad, red, swollen and sweaty like it was melting as I looked closer at it. I hated that dry blond hair that looked like straw. As for the body, it looked like a photo of one of the hot girls of the set, except it had been shrunken down and inflated like a Photoshop prank. I would never be the one standing next to Bill in the video –except on a parody, maybe. I regretted to have come and wanted to go home badly.

"You're okay?" I heard a voice ask and I turned my head.

It was Paul, of course.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I replied. "It was so hot in there I thought I was about to collapse."

"I know. When they saw you left, the girls asked for a break too. We're finally moving to the next scene. You saved them, more or less."

"Hurray." I retorted with an ironic smile.

"You're sure you're okay? You don't look so good."

That sentence almost made me smile bitterly and I decided to lie a little.

"Sorry. I guess I still can't believe my favorite band decided to exploit their fans' weak points so explicitly."

"Angela." my brother sighed. "Don't start."

"No, I won't change my mind. It's misogynistic and not realistic. Of course, in the video, everybody looks like a sex symbol, all dressed in chic clothes and makes love with other hot, chic young people. But it's not real; it's only in the imagination."

"Yeah. So what?" Paul asked and shrugged.

"Well, reality is much crueler than that. I think people should remember that."

"Why? Why would you bring reality back? You're destroying the whole concept of imagination: it's _supposed_ to be the exact opposite of reality. It's a place in your mind where you can go when you think reality is lame."

"Yeah, well, it sucks. Every time you go there, waking up is more painful because you're always reminded that it's all just a lie, one way or another." I concluded.

As I said that, I suddenly heard a noise and saw Georg walk out of the men's room, pretending he hadn't seen us. I was pretty sure that he had heard me. However, I chose to ignore him. Little did I know that this would lead to an interesting conversation between the four boys.

"We'll start shooting again." The cameraman said to Bill.

"Ok."

"Are you nervous?" Gustav asked him in German.

"I was at little, at first. But now, I'm just tired." Bill answered and smiled.

"Tell me about it. When I had to play the drums again and again, I thought I was going to die." Gustav said and rubbed his fingers.

"Hey, Gerhart is back!" Tom called the bassist –due to the fact that almost none of the American team could pronounce his name properly.

"Guess who I met in the bathrooms?" Georg asked the three others.

"Britney Spears! Jessica Alba!" the twins answered at the same time and laughed.

"No. Looking at his face, I guess he met Angelica again." Gustav replied with a smile.

"Yep; and guess what she was saying to her brother?"

"I don't know." Tom said and sighed. "Complaining about us annoyingly, I guess?"

The bassist nodded and smirked.

"She said we are misogynistic and we exploit our fans' weak points."

The twins sighed, rolling their eyes.

"What is her problem? Why doesn't she just shut up and leave?" Bill grunted.

"Ok, guys, let's go!" the director shouted as everybody cleared the set. "Let's spread love!"


	5. A fun afternoon

When we went back and I sat back on my chair, they were just about to start again. Now, on the set, in the blue neon light, Bill was sitting on a white armchair like a king on his throne, surrounded by a group of young boys and girls in tights and torn shirts fondling each other and making out all around him. He himself was wearing tight pants, a large studded leather jacket opened on his bare chest revealing all his new tattoos and a big metallic necklace. I had to admit he looked pretty sexy and couldn't help staring at him. To me, he'd always been attractive, of course. But now, he looked more, I don't know, manly.

However, he then did something I wasn't expecting: he soon stopped singing and leaned on one of the girls by his sides, closed his eyes and kissed her on the mouth. I could still hear Paul's boss dictate directions to the actors but it seemed less and less audible. As the camera kept rolling with no music at all, the kiss continued. It was slow and they barely brushed each other's lips. The camera zoomed in and made a close-up on Bill and the girl. On the small TV-screens in front of me, the shot was so close I could almost hear them suck each other's lips and feel the air coming out of their nostrils brush their skin. They then interrupted the kiss and the girl on the other side grabbed him by the chin and kissed him deeper. Bill snaked his tongue inside her mouth and gently slid his hand on her thigh, which made me jump as I felt it on mine. Of course, there was nothing there, except my own hand which was burning like fire.

Before I knew it, I had gotten up from my chair and left in the middle of the take, pretending to go to the bathrooms again, so fast I didn't pay attention to the people who glanced at me and watched me leave. Alone in the hallway, I realized my face was red and my heart was pounding like crazy.

"What happened?" Georg asked after the take was over, looking at my chair.

"I have no idea." Gustav replied. "For a second, she was very quiet, and then she started fidgeting and left like she was running away from a ghost."

Tom suddenly smirked and looked at his brother.

"I'm telling you what happened. That girl is so prudish she just couldn't stand to watch the whole scene without fainting. I mean, a kiss with tongue? How shocking!" He exclaimed sarcastically. "I don't care what she said, I'm sure she's never had any more than a smooch from a boy. So that was too much for her to watch."

When Bill went to talk to his brother –he had noticed my departure, too- and Tom explained his theory, he nodded. They then looked at each other with a wicked smile, knowing they were now thinking the same thing. It had just given them an idea for a prank.

"This is gonna be a fun afternoon!" Bill said and put on the second costume that was given to him for the next scene.

When I finally calmed down and went back to the set, I felt somebody was watching me. I turned to the three boys sitting on the other side of the set and saw them smile and wave at me in a friendly gesture like they hadn't noticed me before. Something was wrong. Obviously, they were up to something.

To my surprise, they announced they were going to reshoot the scene where Bill was in a fur-coat and walking between couples kissing around him. But this time, I saw he was facing a blonde girl, like me.

"Ready, everyone?" Paul asked.

"Before we start," Tom suddenly stood up and declared, "maybe we should point out that if anyone feels uncomfortable with the scene, he or she might as well leave now!" he said and looked at everybody in the room before glancing at me for a second.

"I think we all feel fine. Thanks for your concern." I retorted the same way with a fake smile.

"Anyone wants some coffee and cupcakes while we're at it?" the director asked, which made the actors laugh. "Come on, back to work, people! Ready, and – Action!"

This time, the music was on but so softly it was like someone was humming in the background. The pretty blonde girl was leaning against the wall and looked Bill straight in the eyes as he stepped closer and closer to her. He was so tall he was easily towering her. He then pressed his hand against the wall behind her and touched her neck with the other one, bringing her face closer to his. As their mouths slightly opened, they weren't touching yet. The image on the screen next to me was so neat I could almost feel the heat of Bill's breath on my own skin. This had to stop but I couldn't move or look away. Suddenly, Bill's eyes snapped open and he looked directly at the camera, which made me feel like he was looking at me through the TV screen. I instinctively bowed my head to avoid his eyes before hearing discreet sneers. When I looked at the boys, they immediately turned their heads, giggling silently. So that was what was going on. They were just trying to make me blush. Still, Bill stayed in his role and kept staring at the camera as he brushed his lips against the blonde's smooth cheek and whispered in her ear, carefully articulating every syllable:

"I want you here and now, dirty bitch."

Transfixed, I felt the blood rise to my cheeks, burning from the inside like someone was filling me with boiling water. It felt so hot yet it was so humiliating it made me want to stay and leave at the same time. However, I stayed on my chair quietly, trying to look away and hide my reddened face. When I heard the final "Cut!" and heard Tom and the others burst out laughing I stayed on my chair and held back my tears with dignity. Bill and the blonde girl then hugged, giggling, and joined the rest of the group.

"You had me for a second there!" the blonde told Bill, still grinning.

"What can I say? I'm the best in town!" Bill replied, smiling brightly.

Feeling my blood cool rapidly, I got up and walked fast towards them.

"Where are you going?" Paul said and grabbed me by the arm. "We are not done yet!"

"I just want to talk to them like I said I would." I declared softly and smiled at him.

"Are you going to apologize?"

"Yes."

He hesitated but then let go of me. As I kept walking towards them again with my happy face on, the boys smiled back at me.

"Hi, Angelica! What's up? We didn't know you were here! Sorry we didn't talk to you earlier!" Tom said to me.

My legs were starting to shake again. However, like a machine, I was determined to do what I had to do and nothing else. So I ignored it, ignored Tom, ignored everything else and turned towards his brother. Looking up, although I was smaller than him, I kept smiling and slapped him hard across the face, which made the people around us gasp in shock.

"My name is Angela. And I hold on to my words: you guys are fucking morons." I said coldly and left the room, ignoring their stares.

The last image I kept of that day was Bill with a hand on his cheek, neither hurt nor angry, just trying to figure out what had happened. I then spent the rest of the day locked up in the bathrooms, hiding, before Paul came to drive me back home.


	6. At the club

"You what? Honey, you can't be serious!"Sarah exclaimed on the phone when I told her the whole story.

"I am. I couldn't be any more serious. I have my pride and I defended it. I don't see anything shameful about it."

"Angela, there's nothing wrong about pride. I'm just saying maybe you overreacted."

"I didn't!" I exclaimed. "They were clearly trying to humiliate me and-"

"-and you fell into their trap, honey." Sarah cut me off. "They tried to get a reaction out of you and they got it easily."

"So what? I should've ignored them? I've been facing bullies all my life. I know ignoring them only makes it worse."

"I know; that's not what I'm saying. What you don't know is that there might be a third option: give them the exact opposite of what they expect."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean accept the fact that some things make you blush and laugh at it _with_ them."

"I don't blush! Nothing makes me blush."

I heard Sarah sigh.

"Fine. Then show them that it doesn't. Go even further and try to make _them_ blush. If they aren't impressed, at least, it'll make them shut up about you being a prude."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. I'll think about it next time I find myself in a situation like this."

"I'm sure you will." Sarah sighed. "Anyway, let's forget about it, shall we? Mike suggested we go to the club tonight. What do you think?"

"Sure." I said. "I need to clear my mind. As long as your boyfriend doesn't take us to a place too far away, anything will do."

"Well, guess what. He heard there's a club that opened recently and, according to the internet, it's only a few streets from our district!"

"It is? Great, see you later then!"

"Are you kidding? We're coming right away! We need to find you something sexy to wear tonight!"

"Not again." I thought.

"Fine, see you soon." I said and hung off.

To find a nice outfit is a hard task for an overweight girl. To find a sexy outfit is an even harder task for an overweight girl. To find a sexy outfit to go to the club is almost impossible for an overweight girl. Sarah made me try everything: long red dress, grey shorts, black short dress, white shirt, blue shirt, pants, high-heels, stilettos, golden sandals… We finally agreed on a long-sleeved black shirt with a black skirt long to the knee and little black boots.

"Well, we can still find you something sexier than that but, since it's the only outfit you're comfortable with, I guess we'll go with that." Sarah concluded with a hint of disappointment.

"Thank you." I said, relieved. "Needless to say, you look smoking hot tonight, as usual." I said and looked at her from top to bottom with a smile.

She wore a pink mini-skirt with a white tank-top, black stilettos and glitters in her hair. Standing side to side in front of my mirror, we looked like a before and after picture.

"At least, let's put some glitter in your hair too!" she said and took out some powder from her purse and threw it in my face which made me blink and sneeze.

"Aw, so cute!" she said and laughed.

"_So cute!_" I imitated her and tried to take the powder from her hands. "It's too much! Give me that!"

"No way! Stop it! Mike, help!" she kept laughing and called her boyfriend who was waiting for us outside of my room.

After we fought and ended up like two shiny disco-balls, we finally headed together to the club.

"Here we are, girls." Mike said and pointed at the building ahead of us before we all stopped.

"Oh God, look at the line!" I said and showed the long queues in front of the night-club.

"It wasn't that popular the last time I went there." Mike said and gave us a sorry look.

"It's okay, sweetie." his girlfriend replied and kissed him on the lips. "We'll just wait. After all, it's only 11 pm."

And so we got in the line. The queue was so long we waited for thirty minutes before we were finally able to move a couple steps forward. However, as we slowly but surely progressed towards the entrance, I then noticed two familiar silhouettes in front of us.

"We've got a problem." I whispered to my best friend. "The twins are here."

In spite of my efforts to remain discreet, Sarah raised her head and took a long look at them. They were both chatting and smoking; neither of them seemed to have noticed us. When they entered into the club, I whispered in Sarah's ear:

"Do you mind if we go somewhere else? I don't want them to know that I'm here. I thik I'm gonna leave."

"You're serious? No way." Sarah instantly answered. "We've been waiting for half an hour. My feet hurt. I'm not gonna let them dictate me where to go, and neither will you. You stay with us and have fun, okay?"

"But what will I do if we meet face to face?" I asked.

"I'll be there, don't worry. Besides, remember what we said about bullies. If you beat them at their own game, they'll definitely leave you alone."

"Okay, sure." I muttered, barely convinced.

When we finally went in, I closed my eyes and suddenly felt like I was stuck on a rollercoaster.


	7. Hot and blurry

As I barely stepped on the dance-floor, all my five senses were immediately saturated: the beat was loud enough to make my whole body pulsate with the rhythm; multicolor lights were flashing in my eyes, almost blinding me; the crowd was surrounding us and people kept bumping into me, spreading their intense smell of sweat and cheap deodorant and my tongue was so dry it tasted like sand.

Mike, Sarah and I found a spot in the middle of the dance-floor and started dancing. The tune was good enough and even though I kept looking left and right just in case, I soon forgot about what was going on and made one with the crowd, shaking my hips in rhythm and having fun with my friends.

"That's it, girl!" Sarah screamed at me through the loud music, grinning.

Mike seemed to have a good time too, dancing and watching his girlfriend's sexy moves for him. However, that didn't prevent him from watching the other girls too, which annoyed Sarah a lot.

"Does he do that often?" I shouted at Sarah and pointed at Mike who smiled at one of the girls.

"Pretty much. It's a little annoying, I know." she admitted. "But he's my man, that's the way he is, so I don't mind!" she answered.

However, as we kept dancing, I suddenly turned my head realized Bill and Tom were a few meters behind me. Neither of them had noticed me and I made a gesture at Sarah with a worry look. When she noticed them, she looked at Mike, then winked at me and asked me to follow her.

"Hey, guys! Long time no see!" she said and got closer to them.

"Sarah! Hi, what's up?" Tom asked as he recognized her.

When I faced Bill, we barely said a word and I stared at him coldly.

"Does it still hurt?" I asked, pointing at his cheek.

"Not anymore." he replied neutrally.

"Ok."

That was it. Although I wouldn't show it, I was a little reassured to hear him say he was okay.

"How are you?" Tom asked Sarah.

"Just hanging around with Angela and my boyfriend." she replied as soon as he followed her.

"Hi." Mike simply said and shook hands with Tom.

"Hi." Tom replied.

Needless to say, he looked a little disappointed, for some reason. However, he and Mike scowled at each other with a smile. For a second, the tension was almost visible between them.

Nonetheless, the music changed and the five of us soon started to dance again. I didn't know the song but I couldn't wait for it to make me forget about who I was again. As I stayed close to Sarah, I couldn't help glancing at Bill dancing from time to time. I guess I stared at him for too long at some point because he suddenly turned his head and looked back at me. When I looked for Sarah and Mike, they were both gone. I saw the twins smile at each other and saw Bill come closer to me. Alone in the crowd, I let him approach me until we ended up face to face and I felt his eyes on me, towering over me, before he leaned his head closer.

"You look really hot tonight." he said softly in my ear. "It makes me want to enjoy myself with you even more."

I kept my head down, trying hard not to blush. We were so close now I could smell his perfume on his neck. Furthermore, each time I would step back, he would take a step forward until I finally gave up and made my way through the crowd towards the bar as I heard Tom laugh. That's where I found Sarah and her boyfriend, drinking and laughing like the happy couple they were.

"I can't." I said and as I stood at the counter next to Sarah, discouraged.

"Why not? What happened?" she asked me, now sounding a little tipsy.

"I can't. I just can't." I repeated. "I know what you told me, try to beat them at their own game but he keeps doing all that and they just, and I'm not-" I gave up on finishing that sentence and sighed.

Suddenly, Sarah seemed to sober up and stared at me, thoughtful.

"I know what you need." she said and called the bartender. "You're thinking way too much. You need something to relax a little. After that, everything will be fine!"

"Come on, Sarah." I replied. "I can't. I'm short on cash!"

"It's okay. Mike pays it all for tonight." she said and kissed him on the cheek.

However, I was still hesitating. I then looked back at the twins who were still dancing, flirting with other girls and seemed to have completely forgotten about us, and replied to my best friend:

"Fine, you're right. I'll have what she had!" I told the barmaid over the loud beat.

"There you go. That's the spirit, girl!" Sarah claimed and raised her own glass when mine arrived. "Cheers!"

My drink was very sweet and burned my insides like fire when it came down my throat. I wasn't used to drinking a lot. But after the second, the third, the fourth cup, it felt much, much better. After a while, Sarah and I went to the bathrooms to rearrange our make-up.

"I'm completely numb!" I declared, feeling my hands tingle and my head spin lightly.

"You what?" Sarah asked, as drunk as I was.

"Never mind!" I replied and giggled. "I feel like I'm on fire right now!"

"Great! So? Ready to get back into the lion's den?"

"You bet!" I said and took my head out to look at the dance-floor. "Watch out, boys. Here I come!"

"Alright! Oh, wait!" Sarah said and looked at my skirt. "It's torn up on the side."

"It is? Well, look!" I said and ripped it even more so my whole thigh was showing on the side. "That's better!"

Sarah looked at me, wide-eyed.

"You look so hot I could eat you up!"

"Save these words for your boyfriend. Come on, let's go! I can't wait!"

"Er, yeah, you go." Sarah replied, fidgeting. "I really have to go to the bathroom, now."

As she locked herself in, I shrugged.

"Fine, see you later then!" I said and left the lady's room with a wicked smile on my face.

When I went back on the dance-floor, the twins still hadn't moved from their spot and the girls were gone. I walked closer, dancing next to them again and I felt Bill approach me once more. However, this time, I was ready and didn't step back. I let him come closer and closer until our brows even touched. My heart was still racing but not from fear. It only felt good as I felt the alcohol in my blood stimulate my whole system. I looked at Bill right in the eye and smiled before I moved even closer and put my hand around his neck. This seemed to disturb him. Behind him, I could see his brother wasn't smiling anymore either. When I decided to slide my leg between his, Bill in turn stepped back to look at me, surprised. I grinned, a little afraid of my own temerity.

"What's wrong?" I asked and opened my arms, inviting. "Didn't you say I looked hot to you tonight?"

I was so proud of myself I started laughing and didn't wait for his answer before I directly headed back to the bathrooms, partly running away again.

"Sarah!" I called when I arrived in the room, still giggling. "Guess what I just said to you-know-who! You should've seen their faces! They were totally like "_what the hell?_"! That was so cool! Hey, Sarah! You're still there?"

There was no answer. In fact, the whole room was empty and quiet.

"Oh, of course she left." I told myself out loud. "Probably making out with her stupid rich, handsome boyfriend somewhere. Well, fuck them." I concluded and washed my face at one of the sinks. When I felt a little refreshed and composed again, I raised my head and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look that bad tonight, although it was probably due to the heavy make-up, the excessive amount of glitters in my blonde hair and the fact that I the alcohol was half-blurring my vision. In the reflection, I saw a person standing at the entrance and I smiled, thinking it was Sarah. But when I looked closer, I realized too late that it wasn't her and my smile froze.

Bill was standing behind me at the entrance of the room, staring at me through the reflection.

"Wrong room." I muttered. "Men's room's on the left."

The music could barely be heard in there, almost like someone was humming the song. This situation looked way too much like the scene Bill had with the blond girl on the set. Without a word, I listened to him slowly walk towards me, step by step, until he stopped right behind my back. Although I remained expressionless, I could feel myself collapse from the inside. He then pressed a hand against the wall in front of me and bent over me to nuzzle into my neck, which made me stifle a sigh. This time, it wasn't an illusion.

"You _do_ look hot tonight." he whispered. "It's okay for me to say that, right? You're not gonna run away again, are you?"

Annoyed by his taunting, I turned to face him and smiled.

"I'm not going anywhere, Mr. Kaulitz." I replied very close to his face and wrapped my hands around his neck once more. "On the other hand, since I know the game you're playing and you do not like what you're doing at all, I know you will be the first to ask me to stop."

"Am I?" he replied innocently.

He pushed me to the side and pinned me against the wall before lowering his hand down to one of my breasts with a challenging look on his face. As much as the contact bothered me, I ignored it and held on to my embrace like I was holding on a bull that was trying to shake me off. At the same time, I kissed the bare skin on his open shirt. He suddenly pressed me so hard against the wall I had no choice but to raise my head again before he slid a hand under my shirt and caught my lips in his. I was so surprised I gasped in his mouth and closed my eyes. When a girl came in and saw us in that position, we both interrupted the kiss and froze. Ignoring us, she drank water from one of the taps, rearranged her hair and left. When I tried to kiss him again, Bill moved his head back and looked down at the ground in silence. We both parted, knowing that that girl's presence had brought us back to reality for a second and I sensed it had created a chill between us.

"What's wrong?" I asked Bill with a smirk. "Are you giving up yet?"

"I'm not in love with you."

These words took me off guard and I paused. His tone of voice was neither cold nor hateful. It was quiet, like a simple statement.

"O-Of course not," I stuttered and rearranged a strand of hair. "Who said you were?"

"I don't love you." Bill repeated. "I don't wanna date you now, or in the future. I just don't think you're the kind of girl for me. Sorry."

He was now a few meters away from me, looking at me with a calm expression. As I tried to stay as composed as him, I couldn't help bringing my hands to my face, or my mouth or my hair in automatic gestures. At this moment, a volcano was erupting in my mind and I couldn't hold it back.

"Why?" I asked in a half-choked voice and looked at Bill in the eyes, clenching my fists. "Why did you have to say that? I never asked you to date me! I never will! I know I don't stand a chance! I know that!"

"Are you crying?" he asked.

That's when I realized that, indeed, I was on the verge of tears.

"I'm not crying!" I screamed. "I'll never cry for assholes like you! I know there's no charming prince for fat, ugly girls like me! Why do guys like you always have to remind us that? Fuck you!" I said and pushed him out of the way.

When I left the room, staggering, tears were flooding on my cheeks like Niagara Falls. When I looked for Sarah on the dance-floor, I saw her in the corner of the room, leaning on her boyfriend and making out with him. However, I was so tired and upset I decided to leave her there and sent her a message.

"Tired. I'm going home. I'll call you when I arrive. Good night."

Outside, the atmosphere was cool and, after the permanent noise and strobe lights in my face, the silence and darkness of the night felt thicker than ever.


	8. Piggy

In the night, I walked down the empty street, sobbing freely. I was exhausted and my vision was getting blurrier. I clenched on the keys in my purse; I couldn't wait to get back home and curl up in my bed. The sky above my head was clear and the moon and stars were shining brightly. I could see my large shadow stand out against the light sidewalk. However, I felt disturbed when I saw a second shadow behind me.

When I looked back, I saw a man in a hoodie walk behind me. However, he turned left on a crossroad and disappeared. When I found myself alone again, I kept going my way, walking a little faster than before. A few minutes later, the shadow came back and I saw the man in the hoodie out of the corner of my eye. I was definitely being followed. On the other hand, I knew that if I started running, things would get much worse. My brother's building was only dozens of meters away. Once I reached it, I would be safe for sure. Or so I thought. When I finally reached the main entrance and inserted the key in the door lock, I was abruptly pulled back and pinned on the wall. The man was now facing me with his hoodie on so I couldn't see his face, his grip tight on my shoulders. Without a word, he looked down on my ripped skirt. I felt a cold sweat drip on my temples. He then slipped his hand in the slit and I screamed, struggling:

"Let me go!"

His hand was cold and rough on my thigh. Plus he was so strong I could barely make him flinch when I pushed him with all my strength. When I tried to scream again, he punched me in the stomach so hard it knocked the wind out of me. He then put his hand on my mouth, using all his weight to press me against the wall.

"Hold still, piggy." I heard him whisper in a hoarse voice.

I felt his hand go higher on my thigh, crawling on my skin like a spider, and reach for my panties. For the first time in my life, I felt totally helpless, like a fortress seconds from being invaded. Hoping this was all just a nightmare, I let out muffled cries and he shushed me.

"Don't tell me you didn't look for it, dressed like that." he said with a smile in his voice.

Reaching for the keys in my pockets, I took it out and stabbed him in the arm with one of them –which did not even pierce the cloth of his sweater- and he let go of me, screaming.

"You fucking bitch!" he shouted in pain and lunged at me again.

I closed my eyes, ready to get punched, when I felt a hand grab my arm and throw me inside the building.

"Stay away from my sister!" Paul suddenly shouted and punched him in the face.

The man suddenly turned back and ran away. My skirt was now completely torn apart and I felt totally naked. When we went back to our apartment, since I was still shaking like a leaf, I let my big brother wrap me in a blanket and hug me like this. Something was broken in me and I couldn't let anything but the blanket in direct contact with my skin. The rest of the evening felt like a movie: although I could answer questions I was asked by Paul and later by the police, it's like I wasn't there. My mind was stuck on repeat and everything reached me like through a thick fog. The feeling was so powerful it lasted all night long, making me stay in bed with my eyes open under the covers for what seemed like an eternity.


	9. Apologies

The next morning, I was still awake. I could hear the phone ring and my brother answer it:

"She's with me now… No, I arrived in time…He caught her at the entrance… I'm afraid you can't, she's still in shock… Sure, try to call back later…"

I was sure he was talking to Sarah: I did not send her a message to tell I had arrived home safely. I looked at the time on my phone and noticed it was now time for Paul to go to work. When he opened the door of my room, I didn't move from under the covers, pretending to be asleep.

"If you want me to stay, I'll stay." he said. "Just tell me."

"No, it's okay." I replied softly. "Just go. I need to spend some time alone. I'll be fine, don't worry."

"I'll try to get back home early. If you need anything, call me."

We said good-bye and I heard him start his car. When he finally left, I realized I was home alone for the first time in a long time. I usually hated to be alone but today was the exception. At first, I called Sarah back. When she recognized my voice, she was hysterical and apologized a million times, saying she didn't read my message in time because she had had an argument with her boyfriend who had been flirting with another girl when we were together. When she tried hours later to contact me and Paul answered, she thought I was in the hospital or worse. Needless to say it took me a while to calm her down, especially since she was also sick from the hangover and couldn't move from her own bed, which made her feel even more guilty. When I finally hung-off, I felt a little more serene and started gently dozing off.

When I woke up, I felt something warm stroke my ear and turned to see a little dog busy licking it and wagged his tail when he saw my face.

"What are you doing here?" I grunted at the puppy, still half-asleep.

Suddenly, I remembered whose puppy it was and raised my head: Bill was there, standing at my door. It seemed he had come on his own. When I recognized him, I sat on my bed and avoided looking into his eyes.

"Go ahead." I muttered. "Make fun of me. That's what you came here for, isn't it? Say I didn't come to face you again because you intimidate me too much and I'm such a prude and stuff. Go ahead. But I'm warning you, I'm not in the mood for funny retorts."

"Who said I came here to be funny?" he asked softly.

When I paused and looked at his face, I saw he was staring at me with genuine concern. I sat on my bed and leaned against the wall.

"You know." I whispered.

Actually, I wish he had come to make fun of me, this time. But he wasn't. He then came in and slowly walked towards my bed before kneeling next to me.

"When Paul told us about what happened to you, I left right away to see you. I just wanted to apologize for what I did and said to you. My brother and I just wanted to tease you but I should've realized sooner that this was going too far. And when I said those things to you in the bathrooms, I thought I had to clear things so I would not give you false hopes. And I was also a little scared, I guess. Anyway, I know I've been too harsh on you and I'm sorry."

While listening, I kept nodding attentively. Although I had no proof that he was not lying, something in his attitude was telling me that he truly meant every word he said. Maybe I was wrong about him, after all. Maybe he wasn't the arrogant jerk I thought he was.

"So that means," I replied. "in the end, I won our little game. Right?"

Surprised by my question, Bill smiled lightly.

"Yeah, I guess you won, indeed."

"I knew it." I replied and smiled before tears welled up again.

When Bill saw it, he got up and tried to hug me, which made me move back against the wall by reflex.

"Sorry." I muttered.

However, he seemed to understand and moved back.

"Did he hurt you?" he asked.

"He punched me. We didn't- go all the way, if that's what you're asking." I answered awkwardly.

He nodded.

"I see."

He looked mad and even more remorseful than before. As I gently rubbed my bruised stomach, visions of that night slowly came back, horrifying.

"I can still feel his hands on me. They were disgusting and cold, like spiders." I declared in a low voice and shivered.

At this moment, silence grew between us during which neither of us looked directly at one another.

"Sorry. I don't know why I said that-"

"I'm sorry you were hurt because of me." Bill cut me off. "If you hadn't been so mad at me, maybe none of this would have happened in the first place. I understand if you're mad at me now."

"Don't worry. I'm not mad at you. It wasn't your fault." I replied with a small smile.

He tried to smile too. Neither of us knew what to say next and we both felt as awkward as ever. Another long silence took place between us before Bill finally got up.

"I should be going now." he hesitantly declared. "Everybody's waiting for me and I'm already late. Come on, Pumba!" he called his dog.

The little bulldog went at his master's feet, excited with the anticipation of going back home. However, when he passed the doorframe, I got up from my bed.

"Wait!" I exclaimed.

Both the master and the dog stopped in the middle of the hallway as I looked at Bill's face and bit my lip.

"Actually," I started awkwardly. "I want to apologize too. For everything. The night was short for me and I've been thinking a lot. I had the scare of my life last night. So I realized that this little war going on between us- wasn't worth it. It was nothing. So I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and that I feel ready to change. I'll try to come back to see you guys tomorrow."

"You don't have to." Bill replied.

"I know. But I want to. I'm the one who mentioned it in the first place but I guess it's time I stop acting like a little girl and- well, try acting like an adult." I concluded with a smirk.

As soon as he heard these last words. Bill grinned at me.

"You're tougher than I thought. I'm glad to hear you say all that."

We then shook hands like two officials who had just signed a peace treaty. His hands felt warm and he then gently squeezed mine with both of his. That gesture comforted me even more than the rest. After we said goodbyes and he finally left I went back to my room, laid down on the bed and fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.


	10. Shopping

Although the video was finished, the band had another photo-shooting to do for the album in front of the same location. When Paul and I arrived, they were all prepared and about to start. This moment reminded me of the first time we met. However, this time, I was determined to do things right. Before I approached them, I took a deep breath and smiled.

"Hi." I said and waved at them shyly from a distance.

When they saw me coming, they all looked surprised, except Bill who smiled back at me.

"Hey! Nice to see you!"

"Nice to see you too." I replied.

"Yeah, it's good to see you." Tom mumbled with a guilty face. "Bill told us what happened to you. Are you okay?"

"I'm better now. Don't worry." I answered. "Actually, like I told Bill, I'm the one who has to apologize to you guys. I'm the one who started it all and I'm sorry I called you fucking morons."

Tom looked at me, speechless. He then turned towards Georg and Gustav and told them to come closer.

"I think we need to mark that day. Tyler!" he assembled us all and called the photographer. "Can you take a picture right now? I'm gonna need that in order to remember that she really said what she said!"

We all laughed and Bill shook his head at his brother, although he was still smiling.

The rest of the afternoon went pretty well. Everyone was having fun and the pictures Tyler took turned great. He even offered me to take pictures of me, which I politely refused.

"Why not?" Bill asked. "Don't worry about looking good, he's a professional!"

"I'm sure of that," I replied, embarrassed. "but I still think I'll pass, I'm sorry. No offense, Tyler."

"None taken." he said and smiled.

However, Bill looked more disappointed than him. After we said goodbye to Tyler, Gustav and Georg left and Paul offered to ride me back home.

"Well, Tom and I are going shopping. Maybe Angela wants to join us?" Bill turned at us and asked.

I hesitated and looked at Paul who nodded.

"Um, sure, why not?" I replied with a smile.

"Great, let's go then!" Bill said, enthusiastic, and headed towards their car.

"Have fun, sis'!" Paul replied with a wicked smile as I followed them.

I gave him a discreet sarcastic laugh: we both knew I was ready to follow these freaky twins anywhere. However, he also knew I hated shopping even more than being photographed, which I wouldn't tell Bill, of course.

"Ok, where should we go next?" Bill asked, looking at all shop windows left and right on the street.

"Er, Bill, don't you think you've had enough?" I asked, glancing at the five bags of shoes and clothes he was carrying.

"For Bill, it's never enough." Tom said with a smirk.

"Yeah? Look who's talking." Bill replied and pointed at Tom's three own. "You become more and more like me every time. I even saw you borrow clothes in my closet the other day."

"What? I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Guys! Who cares?" I cut them off and rubbed my temples. "I feel like the world's been turned on its head, like you're supposed to be the girls doing all the talking and shopping and I'm the guy who just follows quietly and carry all their bags."

After these words, Bill and Tom looked at each other, then smiled and looked at me.

"You know what? You're right!" they both said at the same time and handed all their heavy bags.

"That's not what I meant! Hey, wait for me!" I complained and ran after them as they kept walking, ignoring me on purpose.

"Here's the one I was looking for!" Bill said and entered in one of the shops, followed by Tom.

I followed them inside and put down their bags at the entrance.

"God, that's heavy! Seriously, did you guys shop for bricks or something?" I asked and rubbed my arms.

When I raised my head, I looked around and smirked.

"Wrong store, this is for ladies only."

"I know." Bill said and kept looking around.

I looked at him, puzzled, before I realized: we were here to find something for me.

"Take your time." Bill told me. "Don't look at prices. I'll pay for it today."

"Oh no, no, no." I replied and shook my head. "I'm not doing that! Trust me, I'm bad at finding things I like. When I go shopping with Sarah, I'm so indecisive it drives her crazy and she gives up every time."

"And you think that's gonna stop me?" Bill asked and smiled. "Come on, pick something, anything. We'll see how it goes."

I pouted and did what he asked, walking along the shelves, so long they seemed almost infinite to me. I picked a few random items: a long black shirt and blues jeans.

"Now, go try them on. And stop acting like this is punishment!" Bill ordered with his hands on his hips. "Remember you told me you would like an adult from now on."

"I hate you." I said with a pouty face. "You'll get tired of this much sooner than you think."

"Go try them on already." Bill insisted and lightly pushed me towards the fitting rooms like a mum with her reluctant daughter.

When I came out with the black shirt and the blue jeans on, I was still pouting.

"So?" Bill asked.

"Well, it's the right size." I said and turned around to look at myself.

"Gee, thanks. That's a helpful comment." Bill replied and rolled his eyes. "I mean, do you like it?"

"I don't know. I used to have a Goth style when I was 16 and that's the closest I get to that look. So it's okay, I guess."

Bill nodded.

"Tom?" he asked his brother who was flirting with one of the saleswomen.

"What?" Tom asked and glanced at me. "Oh yes, you look terrible." he commented and went back to his conversation.

When Bill turned back at me, he raised his eyebrows and smirked.

"I'm afraid I couldn't agree more."

"It's not my fault. I told you. I'm bad at this." I replied and crossed my arms, upset.

When Bill turned his back on me, I thought we were going to leave. But when I tried to follow him, he turned again and looked at me in the eyes.

"Don't move." he said. "I'll go find something for you."

So I stayed next to the fitting rooms and waited for him. When he went back, he had about a dozen items in his arms and a confident look on his face.

"There you go," he said and handed them all to me. "Now let's see."

I sighed and went back behind the curtains. I chose random clothes –a dress and a jacket- and quickly put them on.

"It's a little better" Bill said and smiled when I went out.

"I guess so." I said.

"What do you mean, you guess so? You didn't look?" Bill asked and pointed at the mirror.

"Of course, I did." I said and avoided my own ugly face in the reflection, which Bill noticed.

"No, you didn't. Come on. Just look at it." Bill insisted.

"I hate mirrors." I admitted. "But it's okay, I don't need it. I can just turn around and look." I said and looked at myself from top to bottom. "I can tell it's not bad at all." I said to reassure Bill. "Can we go now?"

Bill frowned and glared at me.

"You didn't even put half of what I proposed." he muttered and took by the wrist to bring me back to the cabin. "There, try the shoes. And no whining! Ok, let's add some jewelry now, and maybe make-up. I think I have some in my bag. Close your eyes, and –perfect. You know what?" he said when he was done putting accessories on me like I was his doll. "Keep your eyes closed."

When I came out, he put his hands on my eyes and slowly guided me out of the cabin. I had no idea of what he had done to me or my face.

"Ready?" I heard his voice behind my back ask. "One, two, and, three."

When I opened my eyes, I stood still for a couple seconds, transfixed by the person I saw in the mirror.

I had red high-heels, a dark blue short skirt, a light grey tank-top, a white jacket, big silver earrings, glossy lips and smoky eyes. The person I looked in the mirror looked taller, slimmer, sexier, confident, and, when she gave me that surprised look, she suddenly looked more fragile and I was ready to kiss her on the cheek to make her feel better like I would with any of my friends.

"Yes, that's you, no mistake." Bill said and stood by my sides in front of the mirror, amused by my reaction.

He put a hand on my shoulder with a big grin on his face. He looked happy. Together, we looked like a fashion, happy couple.

"So, do you like it?" Bill asked.

When I tried to answer, I suddenly felt a lump in my throat and I just nodded.

"Great!" he exclaimed. "Let's try another one."

He sounded excited like a little kid playing with his new toy on Christmas. He made me try another outfit: long brown boots, short pink tunic dress, golden bracelets and round earrings. Again, he took care of every detail to make sure I looked perfect. I couldn't believe that girl looked as pretty as before, and yet it was still me. I then tried a third one, followed by a fourth, a fifth…

"You see? This one looks cooler with a black belt, I think." he said when he adjusted the last one on me. "So? What's your verdict?"

Once again, I looked at the girl in the mirror. I was speechless. How could I tell him? I never had a boy spend so much time on me. He was putting so much effort into it and I looked so amazing each time. I looked like a completely different person; a different, happy girl. When that thought came to my mind, I couldn't help but put my hands in front of my mouth to suppress a sob.

"Thank you." I said, which made him come closer and hug me tight.

Although he was smiling, he looked also surprised. He did not expect this, obviously. I felt tears roll down on my cheek.

"I'm sorry." I exclaimed and wiped it out. "I'm gonna ruin your make-up. Shit, what an idiot. Oh no, I said shit. I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be sorry." Bill whispered. "You're welcome."

"You don't realize how important it is to me. Thank you." I repeated, unable to find any other words. "Thank you so much."

I kept crying in his arms and heard him chuckle lightly. A few feet away from us, I noticed Tom was looking at him with a small smile on his face. I wonder what he was thinking about that day.


	11. What you see is not what you get

In the late afternoon, the twins accompanied me back home -just in case, they said. Paul had gone out to meet friends in town. I led them to my room so we could keep chatting when I heard knocking at the entrance door. I told them both to wait and went to the door. Sarah was there, alone and with teary eyes.

"Where have you been?" she asked. "I tried to call you all day."

I quickly checked my phone and saw she was right. I had so much fun with the twins I hadn't noticed any of her calls.

"What's wrong?" I asked and let her come in. "What happened?"

When I closed the door behind her, she turned and burst into tears.

"Mike and I broke up. He said he cheated on me with two other girls."

She leaned on me and held me in her arms, crying and shaking. I closed my eyes and hugged her too, which made her tighten her own embrace. We sat on the couch of the living-room and she started talking. I felt embarrassed for Bill and Tom who were still waiting for me in my room. However, there was no way I could ask Sarah to leave because I had company. She wasn't her usual self, so energetic and upbeat, and it broke my heart to see her like that. Although she was taller than me, she leaned on my shoulder, staring at the void.

"He said, he said he didn't know what the problem was. He said he never considered me his girlfriend at all, even though he said he did!" she insisted and I nodded, as shocked as her. "To him, we were just friends with benefits. And it was the same with the other girls. He told them that he was their boyfriend too."

"Bastard." I muttered.

"He used us. All this time, he dated me to show me to his friends like a fucking trophy!" she exclaimed and started sobbing again. "I mean, is this the kind of girl I seem to be? Is this all that boys see in me? Some brainless bimbo you can show around, have sex with, and nothing else? Am I that stupid?"

"No, you're not! How can you say something like that?" I replied. "The answer is no and you know it! You are not stupid and you are not a bimbo. Anyone who gets to know you a little better knows that you're much more than that. Don't ever let anyone tell you the contrary!"

"Then why did he let me go? Why didn't he see all that in me?" Sarah asked and wiped out a tear.

"Because he's an asshole, that's why." I said with certainty. "He's a moron who can't let go off his first impressions and refuses to realize that what you see is not always what you get. Sometimes, you get much more, if you're just willing to take the risk."

Sarah sniffed and calmed down a little.

"I love him." she said. "When I first met him, he looked already like the kind of guy who would do what he did to me. But I liked his bad boy attitude. And I still had hopes that he was something else, that it was all just for show. Look at me now." she said and hid her face in her hands. "I'm the only loser in the end. Forget it, I'm a stupid bitch, that's all."

"Oh for God's sake, cut the crap!" I shouted and took her hands in mine. "I cannot believe I'm hearing you say such things. You're so cool, and smart, and funny, and beautiful... You know, we both know I'm jealous of you because I think you're the most extraordinary girl I've ever seen. When I had nobody, you were always there for me. And I've always tried to know why, because I hated myself so much. You're like a human sunshine, always full of love and enthusiastic about anything. Even eating peanuts and watching TV when it's raining outside becomes an adventure with you!"

She laughed in her tears and I smiled.

"No matter what you say about yourself," I continued softly. "you are amazing and you deserve to be loved. And if it's not by this guy, it's gonna be the next one. And if it's not the next, then it'll be the one afterwards. You'll always find someone to love you because that's just who you are."

When I was done, Sarah grinned and took me in her arms.

"I guess you just reminded me why I'll always be with you."

"Good to know; because I don't intend to let you go anywhere either." I said and chuckled.

Just as we got up and said goodbyes, she suddenly saw Tom rush out of my room and met face to face with him.

"What the…? You didn't tell me they were here!" Sarah said and smiled at him. "Hi, guys! What's up?"

"Nice to see you too." Tom replied, embarrassed. "Sorry, we tried as best as we could not to listen."

"Oh. Well, it's fine." Sarah and pretended to brush it off like it was nothing. "Angela's right. He was just an asshole. Better be alone than in bad company, right?"

"That's right." Tom told her with a smile. "I guess we'll be going. The guys tried to call us. We didn't tell them we were going to your place tonight. I'll just call them back and then we'll leave." he said and went out.

"Where's Bill?" I asked.

"He's still in there." his brother said and pointed at my room. "I think he lost something or something like that." he added and giggled as he went out.

Sarah and I looked at each other, puzzled.

"I'll be going too." Sarah said. "It's getting late. I'm sorry I kept you all for myself for so long."

"It's okay." I reassured her. "You needed that."

"You're right. Thanks again. See you tomorrow, maybe?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

She left and I went to my room to see what Bill was doing. I saw him lift the mattress of my bed with both hands above his head and blinked.


	12. be that nice about yourself

"Um, what are you doing?" I asked.

Bill grunted in annoyance.

"That idiot Tom stole my phone before I could steal his and I think he hid it somewhere in the room."

"Why did he do that?" I asked, still confused.

"Because then, he could answer the phone and go out, which means he's the one who's going to drive tonight, not me."

I looked at him, even more confused. He sighed.

"It's a siblings' thing, don't ask." Bill replied before he shouted. "Come on, Tom! Where is it? Tell me now!"

"I'll help you find it." I said and looked under the bed.

"Never mind." he said and went out of the room, pissed-off. "I'll go ask him. Tom!"

When we both went at the door and called him, we saw him and Sarah talk in the distance, which made us both go quiet. When I saw my best friend laugh, I smiled. They both seemed to get along pretty well.

"She's a magnet for people." I commented. "I told her she couldn't be alone for long."

"Same for Tom." Bill said. "People go to him naturally ever since we were little. He's always been the most talkative of us both. I was the quietest, so I didn't mind."

"Tell me about it." I said and smirked. "When I was younger, I would always live in Sarah's shadow because I didn't want people to notice me. I used to tell her I wish I were a ghost, like Casper: neither body nor appearance to care about and just all my invisible love to share with humans."

"I don't get you." Bill suddenly said and looked me in the eyes. "You can say such sweet things about others. Why can't you be that nice about yourself?"

I sighed.

"What can I say, Mr Kaulitz?" I replied calmly. "You guys grew up handsome, popular and successful. You don't know what it's like to be born shy and ugly, a failure."

"Stop it, you are not a failure." Bill said and cupped my face with both hands to make me stare back at him. "Listen to me. You are beautiful." he articulated slowly. "You're a beautiful person, really."

"I am?" I asked softly.

"Yes, you are. And you're sweet, you're kind, you're honest-"

I closed my eyes and kissed him on the lips. His face was so close to mine, his voice so sweet to my ears I couldn't help it. I felt Bill freeze, surprised. He didn't push me back but he didn't kiss me back either. After a few seconds, when I parted from him, he bowed his head and went silent.

"I guess that won't be enough, huh?" I declared sadly and paused as he stared at me. "It's okay." I then said and smiled. "I wish you good luck. I'm sure you'll find somebody to love too. And thank you for the rest, Bill Kaulitz. Good night."

I went back inside and closed the door as he went back to the car where Tom was waiting for him, alone. I then heard knocking on my door and opened again. It was Sarah.

"It's me again!" she replied and chuckled. "Tom told me he hid his brother's phone in your bedroom so I suggested you and I go check one last time, maybe? Or do you prefer we look for it tomorrow?"

"Oh, er, well," I stammered. "I'm sorry but I'm pretty tired. We walked a lot today. So I suggest I look for it by myself and I'll call when I retrieve it, okay?"

"Sure, no problem. You're okay?" she asked innocently.

I nodded, choking more and more.

"Like I said," I replied in a small voice, smiling but tears falling on my cheeks. "I'm really tired tonight so I'll just go to bed right away if you don't mind."

Without a word, Sarah nodded with a serious look on her face and hugged me once again. Something told me she knew what was going on. However, she then left and I could finally close the door. Even when I was alone again, I still withheld my tears and took a deep breath. I was a big girl, after all.


	13. Silhouette

Paul sent me a message. He met a girl two days ago. He was going to sleep over at her house tonight. I texted him I got his message, wished him good night and turned off my phone. Although I had cried a little, I didn't even feel that sad. I was rather thoughtful. That night, I wanted to do something I never did before. Even though I was all alone, I still felt a little embarrassed. After I checked the entrance door, I put on one of the outfit the twins bought me, locked myself in the bathroom and turned off the lights. Only the moonlight was lighting me now. I looked at myself in the mirror. The moon shining through the window only allowed me to look at my nose, one of my eyes and a part of my stomach and legs. I then took a few steps back and slowly took off all my clothes.

In the dark, I looked at the black chubby silhouette in front of me. I had small feet, short legs, big round buttocks, large hips, a narrower chest, round shoulders and a small round head. I had a pear body shape, which was nothing surprising so far. However, I kept staring at it, watched the shadows of my legs and arms move and started to forget about all the cellulite and anything that disgusted me about my body. I just watched that round naked silhouette dance in the dark like a puppet on invisible strings. I thought about Sarah's and Bill's silhouettes next to me. I thought about that guy who had attacked me and called me "piggy". I thought about what Bill and Sarah told me. Judging doesn't make anybody right or wrong. It's just an opinion. What I saw in the mirror wasn't any different from what people saw every day. It was always the same person with the same body.

With that thought in mind, I took a few steps towards the mirror and did not hesitate when I turned on the lights. I first blinked, blinded, then looked at everything. I looked at my pale breasts, the trembling skin on my belly and the small scars of acne on my cheeks and smiled.

It wasn't that bad, after all.


	14. Give her a chance

When she was sure I closed the door, Sarah walked away towards the twins' car. The engine was now roaring with anticipation. However, she stood in front of the car and politely asked Bill to come out and for Tom to wait. Neither of the twins could tell what she expected from them. When Bill came out and went in front of her, she slapped him.

"Ow! What the hell?" he exclaimed and glared at her with a hand on his cheek.

"That is for what you did to my best friend." Sarah replied coldly.

Bill looked at her, flabbergasted. Neither of their voices could be heard through the roaring sound of the engine, until Tom turned it off.

"Again, what the hell? I mean, we heard it all. You still love the guy who cheated on you, but I get a slap even though I didn't do anything bad?"

"Yes! Because you are an idiot!" Sarah shouted. "She is honest, she's fun, she's clever, she's madly in love with you. What more do you want from her?"

Bill paused, still glaring at her.

"My love life is none of your business."

"Oh, I see." Sarah said and sneered. "I remember. You're the romantic one of the band. You keep repeating that in every interview in every magazine: you're looking for the one, your _soul mate_. That's why you've been single for eight years. So tell me, how's it going so far? Do you feel like you're going insane yet?"

"Just because you read articles about me now and then doesn't mean you know me at all. So please, just shut up and let us go." Bill answered sharply.

"Well, at least, let me tell you from my experience." Sarah went on. "Mike was not the first. I dated many boys before. And I can tell you: what you're looking for doesn't exist. It's bullshit, okay? The only one you should love is the one who is there for you here and now. That's what I learned for sure."

As Tom hesitated to come out of the car, Bill kept listening quietly. He knew that as long as Sarah hadn't said it all, she wouldn't move away.

"You even wrote a song about it, for crying out loud!"

"I know." Bill replied. "I never said I don't agree with you."

"Then what? What is it?"

He sighed.

"I'm just not in love with her." he said in a sad tone. "You're happy? Can you let me go now?"

"But-" Sarah tried to insist.

When Tom finally went out of the car and sided with his brother, my best friend finally stepped back. However, before they sat and closed their doors, she tapped on Bill's window one last time. He opened it and she looked at him, helpless.

"Just give her a chance." she asked in a soft voice. "Just one. Please. After all that crap she's been through, she deserves it, don't you think?"

"I can't now." he replied. "We'll be leaving for Europe in a couple days. I'm sorry."

He then closed the window, and Sarah, disappointed, watched them drive away in the night.


	15. Nervous

When Georg and Gustav went to pick up the twins for their interview with JoJo that day, they were surprised to see that neither of them was in a good mood, even though they both liked the animator.

"Bill didn't sleep well. He's a little grumpy today, to say the least." Tom explained. "And he didn't see any reason to let me sleep either."

"That's not true, I let you sleep." Bill objected. "You didn't have to stay awake all night to listen to what I was doing."

"You made so much noise I had no choice but to hear everything," Tom replied. "the walking, the doors, the computer turned on and off…"

In the back of the car, as the twins kept arguing, the two others looked at each other and sighed.

"It's gonna be one of these days, huh?" Gustav pointed at the twins and asked Georg, who nodded.

The interview went well. Everyone kept smiling and laughing, until the cameras were turned off and the band said goodbye to JoJo. After that, they headed back home and the twins quarreled again.

"I'm just tired of your jokes, Tom. Stop making fun of me whenever I'm trying to answer a question!"

"So you're saying I should have let you answer? Bill, you were so slow and you looked so serious it looked like you were trying to solve the mystery of the universe. He asked you simple questions. How could I not make fun of that?"

"How about you just, I don't know, shut up next time?"

"Hey, you shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Guys! We got it!" Georg cut them off. "How about you both shut up?"

"No, you shut up!" they both replied at him, which made Gustav laugh as Georg crossed his arms, upset.

"By the way," he declared. "David tried to call you both about the dates in Europe. He said only Tom answered."

"Oh yeah, that's right." Bill said and smirked. "Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it's because somebody lost my phone somewhere. Right, dear brother?"

"I didn't lose it." Tom objected. "And again, I'm sorry I hid it and could not remember where I put it. But we can still go back to her place and search for it."

"Forget it." Bill mumbled. "I'll wait for her to call."

"Well, she obviously can't call you and she can't call me because she doesn't have my phone number."

"What's going on?" Georg and Gustav both asked.

When Tom explained the situation, they both looked at Bill, a little surprised.

"Well, you know you can't go in Europe without your phone." Gustav replied. "You have to go back there and find it."

"Forget it, guys." Bill repeated louder. "I'm not going back to that place."

Tom sighed. When they arrived at Georg and Gustav's place, they let them both go out and started the engine again.

"Where are you going?" Georg asked. "You're going home already?"

"It's okay. We just need to talk a little." Tom said as Bill looked at him, puzzled. "We'll join guys later."

"Talk about what?" Gustav asked. "Did we say something-?"

Georg then looked at Bill, then looked at Tom and smiled.

"Could it be about-?" he asked him and mouthed "the girl"

"Well, what do you think?" Tom asked back with a smirk.

When the twins were back at home, they both stayed in the car and remained silent for a few seconds.

"Bro, just do her already." Tom suddenly declared and Bill looked at him, flabbergasted.

"What?"

"Come on. If you think you could hide it from me, you obviously tried to hide it to yourself. Go back there and talk to Angela."

"I don't know. Maybe I should." Bill admitted. "But even without the tour, and even if I was sure about how I feel, I still don't think we should be together. I don't know what to do."

Tom sighed.

"I guess I see your point. After all, it's been a long time since we let someone else into our private lives. And we learned a long time ago that people like us can't trust everybody easily. It's a big risk to take."

"Yeah."

"But still, maybe it's worth it this time. And I know you'll feel bad if you don't try when you still have the chance."

"Yeah, that's also true."

"Then, I just have a question. What you waiting for, dumbass?" Tom asked and smirked.

Bill chuckled.

"I don't know. I really don't know." he said in a nervous tone. "What if it doesn't work out?"

"And what if it does? How old are you already? You've been prepared for years. I'm pretty sure you can tell if it's gonna work out or not."

"Yeah, you're right." Bill finally admitted. "But she's so—fragile. I don't want to scare her away. If I have to do it, I'll have to do it right."

"I'm sure you'll find a way." Tom replied and smirked.

Bill nodded, thoughtful.

"I'll try. I'll see what I can do."


	16. Open up

Finally! I had finally found that stupid phone! However, it was out of batteries, so there was no way I could call Tom and ask him to come over and get it. I had no choice but to ask Paul to drive me to their place. With no surprise, their house was as big as a palace. However, the entrance door was unlocked. I was about to leave the phone at the entrance when took a quick look inside. The whole place was empty. How could they both go out and forget to lock the doors of such a huge house? I went inside and walked towards the stairs.

"Hello?" I called. "Bill? I found your phone! I'll put it there and go, ok?"

Nobody answered. I went upstairs to check but didn't see anybody. I was all alone. Since Paul was gone back to work, I guess I had to call a cab and go back home. However, I decided to stay a little longer and eventually wait for them to come back. I also thought I could leave Bill's phone in his room with a note. As I stepped inside, I looked all around me. His bedroom was three times bigger than mine, except much more stylized, all grey, ivory and blue, like a page taken from a fashion catalogue. I sat on the huge bed for a while and sighed: in a few seconds, I would be gone and never see that room again. I then got up and absentmindedly turned on the radio on his chest of drawers. A random track started to play. I recognized the electro style but didn't know the artist. The song was pretty good. Although the beat was strong it still sounded smooth and, to be honest, pretty sensual. I closed my eyes to enjoy the song even more and started slowly moving along the rhythm. It felt rather nice. Before I knew it, I was standing and turning around with my arms in the air and my eyes still closed, more and more inspired. However, I soon felt disturbed, like I was being watched. When I looked around, I saw Bill at the entrance and froze, just like the last time at the club. He was looking at me in the eyes, leaning on the doorframe. He looked tired, judging by the dark circles under his eyes. In the silence, I heard the music go on. I tried to apologize for the intrusion but he cut me off:

"Keep dancing." he asked me in a soft voice.

Speechless, I did what he said and went on with the music. He slowly came in as he kept staring at me and sat on the bed behind me. Feeling a little ill-at-ease, I turned to face him and noticed he was watching me from top to bottom.

"Come closer."

At first, I thought I didn't hear it well, until he made an inviting gesture with his hand towards me. Still dancing, I kept approaching him until we were so close our legs almost touched. There, he took me by the waist and sat me on his lap.

"What the hell?" I gasped, trying hard not to shriek and tensed, disturbed by the sudden contact of his warm hands and his thighs under mine.

He gently shushed me and stroked my cheek, as if to reassure me. His expression was different than usual; it was confident but also much tenderer. I couldn't believe what was going on.

"Kiss me." he whispered.

I froze. He stood still, still staring at me. He was seriously waiting for me to move. Why was he doing all this all of a sudden? I closed my eyes and leaned in closer, breathing more shallowly. When our lips finally met, I felt my heart pound like crazy. His lips were smooth as silk against mine. I felt so comfortable I gently turned around and put one of my legs on the other side of him so we could face each other and I could kiss him deeper. He then parted from me, his breathing also shallower than before.

"Take it off." he asked.

When I heard these words, I bowed my head in shame and blushed harder than I ever did in my life. I was paralyzed and couldn't do it. He then lifted my chin with his index to make me look in his eyes again. Without breaking eye-contact, he gently unzipped his own jacket and completely took it off. With his shoulders slightly back, he offered me his chest and, with shaky hands, I started to unbutton his black shirt. After the garment had fallen on the ground, for a moment, I watched his tattooed bare chest lightly lift with each breath he took. After that, he took my hand and put it on his bare torso, which made me almost gasp in surprise. When I tried to withdraw it like it was burning me, he kept it in place, insisting.

Slowly, I started to explore his bare skin with the palm of my hand, soon followed by the second one. I had never touched a boy's body like that before. With both hands, I trailed the muscles of his arms, his ribs, his pectorals, his nipples, and stopped where his heart was, feeling it beat against my palms. He then put his hands on top of mine and smiled. That's where I realized that I wasn't the one being vulnerable to Bill. Ever since we had started, he was the one opening up to me, which was probably as scary for him as it was for me. He grabbed my hands and put them around his waist. When our faces were close again in the movement, this time, I closed my eyes and kissed him first. He then sucked on my bottom lip and I moaned with delight as he nipped it. We both laid down on the bed with me on top of him. However, I rested on my knees, afraid I would suffocate him. I then cupped his face with both hands and shyly opened my mouth wider to let his tongue snake in. As I felt it explore every corner of my mouth, the heat in my belly was intensifying more and more. But when he slipped his hand under my shirt, I grabbed his wrist and interrupted the kiss.

"Don't, please." I asked.

"It's okay." he whispered.

I held tight on my grip, uncomfortable with the idea that such a beautiful man could be in contact with that trembling, disgusting flesh, when he suddenly knotted his hand in my hair and pulled me closer to nuzzle my neck. There, he planted trails of kisses from my shoulder to my ear, to which I couldn't resist. My knees finally gave up and I fell on him, which didn't stop him.

"Let me see." he murmured in a hot breath, his lips pressed against my ear, which sent shivers down my spine.

I then raised my head and, as he laid back on the bed, I gently lifted my shirt above my navel, then above the chest, then above the head, took off my bra and threw them both to the ground. Bill and I stood still, looking at each other. I could feel the cool air of the room brush against my naked stomach and chest. I was ashamed and tried to cover them with my arms but Bill rose from his position and pulled them away. He then opened his own arms and hugged me tight. Oddly enough, it felt more fraternal than seductive. I hugged him back in silence. In our embrace, both of us half-naked, the heat of the other's skin warmed us up and our hearts pulsated together, pressed against each other. It was like the world around us didn't exist anymore. Bill then made us turn around and pinned me against the mattress. I could now feel his weight on me, his face close to mine, the air coming in and out of his chest likes regular waves on mine. He bowed his head and I moaned when he put his lips on my breasts and sucked on them. His kisses were tender as he planted them everywhere on my body, going lower and lower, showing love to the body I used to hate so much. When I watched him unzip my jeans along with his, I couldn't help but look down, petrified.

"I'm scared." I admitted in a small voice.

He then stopped and raised his head, his big brown eyes on mine, and crawled back to me so we were side to side.

"Me too." he said.

He gently led his silky hand on my hip and lowered it between my thighs. When I felt it slide in my panties on my most private parts, I held my breath.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, worried.

I shook my head and I felt him stroke my hair with his other hand as he guided his fingers even lower. He then inserted one in me, soon followed by another one, and gently fondled me. Before I knew it, the waves of pleasure came back and made me arch my back with each of his movements like electric shocks. It felt so good I couldn't help but swear and had to cover my mouth with one of my hands to make me shut up, which made Bill smile. He paused for a second and took off my pants to get a better access. When he started again, after a while, I suddenly held tight on him and, as he kept scissoring me, the pleasure so intense I gritted my teeth and dug my nails in his shoulders. When I finally relaxed, I looked at his skin and blew on the marks I left. The skin wasn't torn but it was still red.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." I declared.

Bill suddenly laughed, which made me almost jump. Afterwards, I realized I had sounded like a kid.

"You're so cute, Angela." he replied and took me in his arms.

The sound of his voice and his laughter brought me so much joy I laughed too and we kissed again with delight. For some reason, something changed in me: I wasn't intimidated by him at all anymore.


	17. Open up part 2

Standing on his knees, without a word, he took off his pants and gave me the transparent plastic ring. As inexperienced as I was, I knew exactly what to do. I gently rolled it out and looked down Bill's belly. He was half-erect, completely naked and vulnerable to me. Yet, I knew he trusted me. I took it my hand and felt its heat. The skin was so thin I could feel life pulse underneath. With both hands, I slid down the protection on it and clumsily rubbed it multiples times with my fingers to make sure it wasn't too tight.

"Keep going." he whispered so faintly it was barely audible.

I hesitantly wrapped my hand on him and started rubbing up and down again. As the condom was starting to fall off, I maintained it at the base with the other hand and squeezed a little tighter. When I saw Bill close his eyes and sigh, I fastened my pace. However, I noticed he was also tenser and twitchier every time I was closer to the tip. When I rubbed it with the tip of my fingers, he suddenly arched his back and moaned like I did earlier. I in turn was so amused that such a simple gesture could drive him crazy I wanted to hear it more. So I instinctively made him lay back on the bed and, with my hands and knees on each side of him, I decided to let it in. At first, it was slow, difficult and clumsy. Thank god it was barely painful. But then, as we both learned to know each other's pace, it all became much easier and enjoyable to the both of us. The sounds, the hotness, the smell of shiny sweat on our skin was intoxicating us, making us beg for more. I couldn't get tired of his moans and his sighs as I kept moving on top of him, smiling, like I was the one making love to him. However, I kept my own mouth shut to prevent my own cries of joy from getting louder. I then saw a strange sparkle in his eyes. When he suddenly rose and pinned me against the bed again, his thrusts became so intense I couldn't help but moan loudly, so drowned in lust I was almost blinded by it. As I held tight on him, Bill abruptly gripped my breasts and plunged himself deeply in me in an ultimate tension of all of his muscles. This was also the last trigger I needed and screamed, mad with pleasure. Finally, he sighed deeply and collapsed on me. In my own struggle to slow down my heartbeat, I looked down at him: his head was now resting on one of my breasts with his eyes half-closed and the other hand resting lazily on the other one, panting less and less.

"I can hear your heart beat." Bill mumbled.

"I'm sure you do." I answered softly.

His lovely voice was music to my ears. I slid my fingers in his sweaty hair, a motherly feeling now overwhelming me. Bill let out a sigh of satisfaction.

"It's beautiful." He said and closed his eyes, his voice getting dozy.

We stayed like this in silence for who knows how long as he fell asleep in my arms and night fell outside. Before I realized it, I rested my hand on Bill's back and my eyelids felt heavier and heavier in seconds. When I wake up, I thought, will he still be there or will it turn out it was all just a dream?


	18. Morning

When I opened my eyes again, I was still in Bill's room and he was still with me, asleep. Last night hadn't been a dream. However, I didn't remember putting a blanket on ourselves before we fell asleep. Plus the radio had been turned off and I could hear noises and voices downstairs. Outside, the sun was already up in the sky. Bill started fidgeting against me and, when he opened his eyes, he looked up and smiled at me.

"Hi."

"Hey."

He crawled up to me and gave me a long kiss on the lips. The way the blanket was wrapped around us reminded me of a cocoon that kept us both warm and protected from the outside world.

"So," I said awkwardly. "what's next?"

Bill grinned.

"Breakfast." he replied with a grin and took off the blanket.

I chuckled as he got up and watched him collect our clothes around the room, feeling the cool air on my skin where Bill had touched me.

"No, I mean, you know, about-" I went on and paused, unable to say the word.

As he handed me my clothes, Bill stared at me with a questioning look.

"Us?" he answered.

"Yeah," I said with a small voice. "us."

At this moment, Bill put down his stuff, sat on the bed and laced his fingers with mine.

"I mean, I don't want to disappoint you." I started, talking fast. "And I know I'm not perfect but I can try-"

"I don't know what's gonna happen to us, ok?" he cut me off with a soft voice. "I don't know if it's gonna last or if we'll end up disappointing each other. I really don't know."

When I heard these words, I bowed my head and felt tears well up in my eyes.

"But," he went on and laid his forehead against mine. "yesterday, I realized that I was right to give you a chance because you're an extraordinary girl who should never change. You are." he assured when I lightly shook my head. "And now, I'm the one afraid to disappoint you."

His words surprised me and made me smile.

"You'll never disappoint me."

"Maybe I will." he said and smirked. "Sometimes, I feel ugly and shy too, after all."

"Then I'll love you even more." I replied, threw my arms around his neck and smothered him with kisses.

"Morning, lovebirds!" Tom exclaimed when he saw us both enter the kitchen.

"Morning." I replied shyly as Bill invited me to take a seat at the table next to him.

"Now that you're finally awake, I guess you'll both have coffee, right?" Tom asked with a smirk and got up to get us both cups.

He seemed in a particularly good mood today for some reason. However, something was bothering me.

"Um, Tom," I asked. "are you the one who gave us the blanket?"

"Yep, that's me." he replied casually. "I didn't want you to catch a cold. You're welcome."

An awkward silence took place between the three of us. When I remembered Bill and myself sleeping totally naked and my breasts exposed, I blushed so hard I thought my face was going to explode and hid it in my hands. Bill took them off and kissed me on the forehead before talking to his twin in German:

"Thanks for the blanket, brother." he declared with a sarcastic smile. "Next time, could you please stay in your own room and let us have a little privacy?"

"Then next time, close the door and turn off the radio yourself, you dork." Tom replied with the same smile.

His expression then changed as he turned to me and spoke to me in English again.

"I'm glad you're here." he said and smiled sincerely as he looked at us both.

I was so happy he said that I cuddled up to Bill and kissed him on the cheek.

"Who are you talking to, honey?" I heard a familiar voice call, coming closer.

When I turned and recognized her, both she and I stood there open-mouthed.

"Hi." I greeted her.

"Hi." Sarah replied.

For once in our lives, we didn't know what else to say to say each other, feeling both happy and embarrassed at the same time. So we just stood there and laughed, soon followed by the twins.

"Great. Now I can't wait for this tour to end." Bill declared and took me on his lap.

"I'll wait for you." I said and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I'll guess we'll wait together for you both then." Sarah added.

"Actually, maybe you won't have to wait at all." Tom said and glanced at his brother. "After all, we know how to handle it now. Maybe if we promise to keep an eye on you, we could-"

He paused. Bill remained silent, thoughtful.

"I guess we could, indeed. It's a big risk to take on many levels. But then, it only depends on you girls." he said and held me in his arms.

Sarah and I looked at each other. I could see the sparkle in her eyes as we both pretended to think.

"Well, I don't know, we've got so much to do here." I said and bowed my head.

When we saw them nod comprehensively with a disappointed face, Sarah couldn't help but exclaim:

"Aw, stop it guys, you're breaking my heart! Of course we're in!"

Again, they both raised their heads and smiled at the same time, making Sarah and I chuckle. Today was going to be a great day, I thought as I watched Sarah and Tom kiss. I then felt Bill's hand turn my own head to face his and I closed my eyes before kissing him on the lips. Leaving for several months to go on a continent I barely knew was a big risk for me too. But so are new relationships in general, aren't they? It implies trying something new; exploring places and situations you've never been into before. However, this time, I felt ready and strong enough to take that risk because, for the first time in my life, I knew I just needed to be myself to make the one I was in love with love me back.

Today was definitely going to be a great day.

ENDE


End file.
